dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
