So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
