Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hippo gnu deer
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Randomize
