when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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