your parents love me but you hate me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
