My liver just broke up with me...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize