I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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