Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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