My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
