If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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