You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
