can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
