its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
