Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
