Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
