I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
