why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
