Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
