Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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