so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
