Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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