i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
