I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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