its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
