omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize