I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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