I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
