I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
