I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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