i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
