The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
