Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
