woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
