He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
