Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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