if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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