i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
