STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
