i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
