he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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