I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
