its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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