I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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