only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
