All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
