my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
