Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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