Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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