The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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