I feel great
I just peed on a car
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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