I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
No subtext here. People are naked.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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