I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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