I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
