No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
