Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
