found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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