why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
