We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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