Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
