so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize