PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
