This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
