You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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