you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Randomize