i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize