he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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