i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
