he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
