Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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