I will die if light touches me.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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