So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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