I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize