Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
