Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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