and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
