If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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