I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
